Sunday, June 25, 2017

REALLY Transformed 'Transformers: The Last Knight'

ANOTHER Hollywood piece of trash filmmaking splashes down in your nearest theater's toilet!! 'TRANSFORMERS: Part Whatever'! This story is so bad that I rewrote it in order to entertain myself as I watched this dumbass movie. So kick back and enjoy my transformed Transformers (it's better than Hollywood's!)


STARRING (in ant-like marching order)
-MARK WAHLBERG as Struggling Actor Unable To Make The Transition To More Serious Films
-ISABELA MONER as the actress with the sexy last name that no producer could ignore!
-JOSH DUHAMEL as the actor who threatened to quit 3 times during the making of the film.
-ANTHONY HOPKINS as the shameless Scrooge-actor out to make every single dime off of his past history of being a classy thesbian (rhymes uncomfortably with LESBIAN doesn't it?) -MAN DRINKING COLD BEER as himself.
-THE TRANSFORMERS as real space aliens who choose to work for free in order to help Hollywood offset the cost of illegal movie downloads and high agents' (not stars) fees.

-The NRA (National Rifle Association) in association with Planned Parenthood

-Jack Shakespeare (William Shakespeare's direct descendant)
-Stan Lee
-Ivanka Trump

-Domino's Pizza (fake cheese masters)

-The Motion Picture Academy
-The Screen Director's Guild
-The Actor's Guild
-The Movie Caterer's Association (food trucks)
-Every acting school and film school within the continental United States

-Bruce Lee Tea

"I want my check, motherfuckers. And I want it by the end of the day." -Bill the Studio Janitor

In a world increasingly turning to green or natural resources for fuel the gasoline guzzling Transformers set out on a mission to prove that climate change is a lie and that gasoline is still the best way to get from zero to 60 MPH in under one minute. But their evil, ex bad guy nemesis, Megatron, has vowed to stop them!

Another Michael Bay special effects jerk-off fest!!! Hell yeah!! I brought by cybernetic nerd-boy raincoat to stroke off in the corner of the theater at all of the disguised male testosterone splashed up on the screen!! When I came I screamed out, "Michael Baayy!! I fucking love you!!!" Then the surly usher came in a said, "Shut the fuck up, you creep! You're disturbing the other viewers!"

THE REVIEW: This film was great! Go see it right now and don't pay like I did by donning a pair of Dickey's worker clothing and telling the stupid theater employees that you're there to check the HVAC (air conditioning). They'll wave you through.

THE BOTTOM LINE: Stay at home and mail your money to the studios with a letter that states, 'PLEASE REMOVE THIS WORTHLESS CRAP FROM MY LOCAL CINEMA. THANK YOU'. This way you can be honest and kinda hip by telling your idiot pals that did see it that you paid to NOT see it.

Copyright © 2017 George Alan Booker -All Rights Reserved on this planet (Earth) or any of the new planets recently discovered by NASA.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

The Guardians of the Puritanical Galaxy!

Just watched a soulless movie (and by soulless I also mean 'sexless') that all but forgot about romance and affection, 'Guardians of the Galaxy 2'. The over-eager to please director and producers filled this film with so much material junk that not a single aspect of affection beyond a long delayed 'hand around the waist of another'is seen. A cold and uninvolving waste of time!! Shit blowing up left and right, forced humor, dull performances (do to a lackluster script). This movie is best summed up by paraphrasing a better writer, William Shakespeare, and his legendary 'Macbeth':

"Sequels, and reboots, and remakes,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief theater lights!
Movies are but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets an hour or more upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."

Somebody at Marvel or Disney or whoever the hell owns 'Guardians of the Galaxy' (Fox?) owes me $9.75!! The price of my movie ticket!! You bastards! You thieves in the night. You highway robbers lured me in with snazzy visuals then dumped your junk on my consciousness in a movie that's over 2 FUCKING HOURS which won't add a bit of relief to the continuous misery that is my life!! And if you cheat me there you've cheated me everywhere because that's why I and others go to watch your crap --to get away from our crappy lives! But you DENIED ME THAT ESCAPE with your BULLSHIT. You have millions of dollars to hire professional writers but what do you do? You allow your director who has the writing skills of a detention-surfing high school loser to use that money as if it were a multi-million dollar writing class!!! Fucking bullshit ass film.

-George Alan Booker

NOTE: to be fair I actually slept through half of the film (late showing) but whenever I woke up all I saw was shit hitting the fan! Nothing else. Not one smooch between lead characters Peter and Gamora!!

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

The Last 'Force Awakens' Rant You'll Ever Need To Read

What a lousy design concept for a Star Wars villain. I was looking for more 'Star Wars 8:
The Last Jedi' news to deride when I came across this pic of Daffy Duck in a hood looking creepy. Couldn't help but think of that poorly motivated 'The Force Awakens' villain, Kylo Ren. I don't have to talk about why it resembles him, now do I?

I say Kylo Ren's character is poorly motivated because if the insinuations and indications are to be believed, that he trained under Luke Skywalker before betraying him, then almost certainly Luke would've told Kylo that his father was redeemed in the end by the Force. That Vader, after his death, would never approve of anyone wishing to be like him. Recall how he told his son Luke at the end of 'Return of the Jedi' that Luke was right about him (meaning that he wasn't a lost cause).

Now here comes Kylo, years later, the son of both Leai and Han, who also would've told him about Vader's turn from evil. SOMEHOW Kylo ignores all of these significant figures in his life, and pretends that their appraisal of Vader was a LIE. That Vader is STILL EVIL. He virtually prays to the recovered helmet of Vader in 'The Force Awakens', expressing admiration for his evil.

This is DOUBLY STUPID. It means that Kylo or another had to go to the Moon of Endor and in the process of recovering Vader's melted helmet actually VERIFY part of Luke, Han, and Leia's story about Vader's end.

Now if all this isn't enough to convince you that Disney simply intends on treating OUR beloved Star Wars as a FAT CASH COW then get this: Rumors are already circulating that Star Wars 8: The Last Jedi, the sequel in the new Rey trilogy is building up to be simply a REMAKE of the EMPIRE STRIKES BACK (the 2nd film in the Luke Skywalker trilogy). Another goddamn remake?? Of course it won't exactly mirror 'The Empire Strikes Back' but script leaks and other hints suggest that it will be dark in tone like 'Empire' was and that Rey will lose a hand or other body part like Luke did in his 2nd film. What else are they going to monkey? Will we get another battle on a snow planet like Hoth??

All this points to a sad fact: The people in charge of Hollywood's major studios, for the most part, are not storytellers. Take a look at this little gaff that I just noticed: In the entire film 'The Force Awakens', no one really questions Rey's origins? For all they know she could be an Imperial spy! She was not vetted when she arrived at the RESISTANCE BASE. She and Finn were not checked out at all! Fantastically stupid 'writing'. They could easily have been SUICIDE BOMBERS who could have blown up ALL of the Rebels -or excuse me- 'The Resistance's' leaders by sitting in on one meeting with them!! What a fucking joke this 'story' was.

Notice that Rey's last name is never revealed. Yet this startling lack of admission by any of the characters points to the whole thing as being a PLOT DEVICE. Something created in an ad hoc manner to move the plot on easily, but without having an explanation for it's own existence. Had the heroes began to question Rey's lack of a last name then questions about her (real) identity and thus her actual allegiances would have risen. But the Disney hustlers were too busy looking for a way to get her into the Resistance fast enough to imitate the plot of 'A New Hope', the original Star Wars film, so they could get back the 4 billion dollars they spent in purchasing the Star Wars saga from George Lucas.

Anyway this whole new Star Wars saga starring Rey is a joke and should be treated as one -especially from a professional point of view. Only film illiterate people are raving about this film. People who don't give a fuck about originality or pacing or plotting, etc. and / or who only like the actors in the storyline because they did at least try to make the stupid unoriginal script seem legitimate. And fuck all those people who say that originality is an untrue idea. If your shit reminds others of other people's shit then it's NOT ORIGINAL. If it doesn't remind them of it but is the first of it's kind --in quality, in execution, in detail, then it's ORIGINAL. The original (first) Star Wars was full of stuff that REMINDED you of other films but the quality of it, the execution, the designs, the details were ORIGINAL. Therefore it wasn't attacked as being a rip-off like 'The Force Awakens' has been. 

Coyright 2017 by George Alan Booker, All Rights Reserved

Friday, March 31, 2017

You Say Tesseract, I Say Tomato!

The Hollywood version of A.I.M. was a total let down as featured in the plot of Iron Man 3. Gone was the thrilling designs of Jack Kirby. The yellow jumpsuits. The 'gang of scientists' feel that he imparted to them. An oxymoronic concept. A bunch of men, supposedly scientist -implying free thinking, acting like a common group of thugs!! This is why A.I.M. stood out among the many secret organizations in comicdom. The fact that they were anonymous made them even more dastardly!!

I recall when Captain America fished an A.I.M. scientist out of the ocean to learn from him for the first time about the Cosmic Cube!! the COSMIC CUBE!!! [If memory serves me correctly that's how it happened...] Now that's another gripe against these ratty Marvel movies in itself. Not a once during the Captain America movies did they call the Cosmic Cube the fucking Cosmic Cube!! They called it the 'Tesseract', The 'TESSERACT'?? WTF is that? Sounds like an optometry measuring device or something, not like one of the most powerful devices in creation!!!!

Fake ass Hollywood hipster fuckups! Always trying to make stuff 'realer' -if that's a word. Always trying to 'ground' stuff in what THEY (Hollywood honchos -directors, producers, etc.) believe is better. Who the fuck are they to change great literature (classic Marvel comics)?? Arrogant MFs is all they are.

By calling the Cosmic Cube the 'Tesseract' they robbed the thing of it's fantastic elements. The name is the thing you know. You don't call a 'machine gun' a 'repeater' because it doesn't convey what the damn thing really is. As a friend of mine once said, 'Some people know how to kill the very essence of a thing'. They sure the hell did that with the Cosmic Cube!

There's a bunch of 'Tesseract Apologists' out there on the Internet trying to rationalize why the Cube wasn't called Cube in the movies. That's all B.S. It wasn't called the Cube because of a lack of dedication to comic book continuity --a bad quality that happens when publishers allow filmmakers (arrogant filmmakers) to work on their projects. That's the real reason it's not called the 'Cosmic Cube'! Anyway we'll probably never see it in a film being refered to in that cool way, 'The Cosmic Cube'. At least not in my lifetime I think. Oh well.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Beauty Gets Her Beast -and Bankability Assurance!

'Beauty And The Beast' Review

Beauty and The Beast, the recent big budget live action film from Disney is what I expected it to be -your typical over-lavish production with little depth besides the occasional moment of inspiration which is quickly extinguished. That's modern day Hollywood for you: all promise, little keep.

Most everyone knows the story of Disney's 1990's animated cartoon version of the classic fairy tale of Beauty and The Beast. But in case you have forgotten it here's a synopsis: Attractive girl which every woman thinks represents herself needs a husband but is so selfish and introverted she winds up falling for a loser prince who has been transformed into a beast by a pernicious (hows that for a Google visit?) witch / sorceress / enchantress -whatever because in her eyes his own narcissistic ways are offensive to her senses of how men (in general) should behave. The only thing that can cure this guy of his new Beasty-looks is the true love of a beautiful woman (strained irony if there ever was any). Which actually shouldn't be that difficult if you take a casual walk around your small town or large city. Gorgeous or attractive women can be found with all sort of ugly guys (beast). So much for that punishment!

Or course I'm being silly about the Beauty and the Beast fairy tale because the whole story is downright silly but awfully revealing about the psyches of some women (most?). They often reject braggart men / accomplished men / even rich men  for more prosaic men who don't challenge their own self's intellectual capabilities or good looks. In short women choose loser or weak men over smart / attractive ones --even if they got big bucks (doesn't mean you get their love, right? Right!)

Now that explains why this story is so damn enduring, doesn't it? And why Disney continues to milk the hell out of it. It's all part of Disney and Hollywood's nostalgia exploiting era that we are all unfortunate to be siting through. How many old TV shows have become awful films in these last 2 decades (since the 1990's)? Too many. And few of them worth remembering; many of them that should be forgotten forever ('Star Wars: The Force Awakens'). Which is [unlike] the 90's Disney Beauty and the Beast. It was really a very good animated film!

So here we are again, in the age of nostalgia exploitation viewing Beauty and The Beast.. It's a too-big for itself film to some degree. The characters actually feel subservient to the landscape / castle that the they live in. It's as if the production team got the go-ahead to design the film without a finished script. So that they would be able to tailor their designs to the specific beats of the film. Keeping backgrounds humble in emotional scenes and going crazy with them in more horrific or troublesome ones. I guess that's part of the Hollywood 'factory film'. Script last, money-grabbing concept first. Hire the artists now, never mind what they design! We'll fit the story to the visuals! Not how good visual storytelling is done, folks. One should make the visuals subservient to the scripts' needs. This 'rule' (because their really are no rules in visual storytelling, only appropriateness) is broken relative to the tempo of this live-action version of the classic fairy tale.

The acting in this film is rather uninspired (showing you that the script is surprisingly dry of any character development). Hiring Emma Watson for the role of Belle is a stroke of genius (and I use that term as hyperbole here). This is her first significant role since she played the intellectual-feminist sorceress-in-training Hermoine in Harry Potter. Now I have to admit that I'm a fan of hers from the start and am glad to see her career advance by leaps and bounds. But I can say in an unbiased fashion that she is perfect for this 'intellectual feminist' version of Belle, for in this version of Beauty and the Beast (this 'version' because everyt ime someone tells this story they either add to it or subtract from it) the character IS a dedicated bookworm and a budding woman's rights activist (she's ridiculed for her reading skills and is berated for her desire to teach a young girl how to read by the stogdy and evil villagers she has to deal with daily). Emma turns in a suitable performance and of course is the real reason to see this 'Beauty and The Beast'. The gentleman that plays the Beast, actor Dan Stevens, is perfect for his role as well. We neither love or hate his beast -so when Belle does fall in love with him we can see that's just the fate for any woman that happens to stumble upon the tragic character and is forced to get to know him (as Belle is when she takes her father's place in the Beasts' dungeon). Another interesting performance is that of Luke Evans. He plays Gaston, the soldier who wants to make Belle into his wife. In feminine psychology he is the REAL BEAST of the story. For his undying 'love' or lust for Belle is seen by Belle and no doubt every other female in the audience as his desire to CONTROL Belle. And most experienced men know that women desire control over their romantic fates more than anything else in life. We are left to laugh at Gaston / Luke Evan's attempts at 'getting' Belle. All the while knowing that it's the strong and silent type who will actually win the heart of the girl (the guy who's had the tragedy in his life, in this tale it's the Prince turned into a hideous monster!).

The directing of this film by Bill Condon is rather uneventful. Nothing really stands out and it appears to me that this may be his first big film for it feels like he may have gotten himself into a 'more than I can chew' situation. Errors in character, plotting, or pacing in the film that can be saved by a clever director go unchanged in this film. But I must digress. I was rather tired when I viewed this film and it is a testimony to the director's skill that I did stay interested in it even though my body was screaming to go to sleep! I didn't snooze during it and what I experienced during my less than tired moments was skilled enough directing to keep me from saying to myself, "Who the hell directed this crap?". So to be fair the film is directed competently and satisfies one of the most important values in visual storytelling which is to hide the hand of the director. It's well hidden and so the story does flow from one logic point to another and that's that. But again, I feel as though the characters took a backseat to the CGI special effects and what-not. [I just Googled this director and confirmed my suspicions. This was his first big budget (i.e. big special effects) film to date. He's an experienced drama director but not fantasy one. Even the 'Twilight' franchise films he directed don't compare to the effects laden film such as this Beauty and The Beast.

All in all this film wasn't too bad. It's a good diversion for an adult or the kiddies. But nothing new will come out of it. The only real winner besides the Disney shareholders is Emma Watson's bankability. She should become the leading lady in future films more often because of this. So good for her!! I am a fan, you know...

Copyright 2017 by George Alan Booker -all rights reserved!

Friday, January 13, 2017

Lucas' Legacy

Everyone interested in visual storytelling needs to make sure that he or she survives until 2021, that's the year that Big George's Museum of Narrative Art is slated to open up. In fact, try to stick around until about 2025 in case a bunch of lazy construction workers blow the Grand Opening date.

For all you Star Wars fanatics out there the museum will be in Los Angeles' Exposition Park. So you can head there right now with at least 5 to 8 years worth of supplies and camp out! Just think, you'll be first to enter one of the greatest art museums in history!